Healing Our Core Issues

VANS Skills: The Foundation of Healing and Cultivating the Functional Adult

Thu, 26 Mar 2026 23:23:06 GMT

New Title

“If I could give you one free takeaway from the work I do with clients, it would be this: learn the VANS skills.”

VANS stands for Validate, Affirm, Nurture, and Set healthy limits — these skills are the foundation of what Pia Melody’s Post Induction Therapy calls Functional Adult and Healing Our Core Issues Institute (HOCI) calls re-parenting skills.

These four tools might seem simple, but they are the heart of real healing — both within ourselves and in our relationships. Most of the transformation I see in clients doesn’t come from grand “aha” moments. It comes from the quiet, consistent practice of offering ourselves the empathy, understanding, and protection we didn’t receive when we needed it most.

That’s what the VANS skills are about: becoming the empathetic witness that was missing during painful experiences, so the nervous system can finally process, release, and heal.

�� Why We Need the VANS Skills

Trauma isn’t just what happened to us — it’s what happened inside us when we faced something overwhelming and had no one safe to help us through it. Or maybe those around us were safe and well intended, but didn’t possess the skills that they needed to be able to give us the help that we needed.

Our nervous systems did what they had to do to survive: freeze, shut down, or disconnect. Those “stuck” experiences can echo for years as anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or emotional numbness.

What was missing wasn’t strength or willpower — it was an empathetic witness . Someone who could say:

“I see you. What you’re feeling makes sense. You didn’t deserve that. You’re safe now.”

That kind of presence helps the nervous system return to safety. And here’s the beautiful truth: it’s never too late to receive that. Through re-parenting, you can become that witness for yourself and for others.

The VANS skills give you a simple framework to do just that — to offer your historical parts what they didn’t get, and help your system rewrite the story.

�� The Functional Adult: The Part of You That Heals

We all have younger parts of ourselves — the frightened child, the angry teen, the compliant pleaser — who learned how to survive but never how to feel safe.

When these parts get triggered, we often react from their pain instead of responding from our wholeness.

Your Functional Adult is the grounded, most authentic and wise part of you that can say:

“I know you’re scared right now. I’ve got you.”

This part doesn’t silence or shame the younger parts — it holds them. The Functional Adult brings compassion and structure, safety and boundaries.

And the way we strengthen this part of ourselves? By practicing the VANS skills.

�� The Four VANS Skills

1. Validate

Validation says, “I see you. I hear you.”

It’s the practice of expressing what we notice—through someone’s words, tone, or non-verbals—and reflecting it back to them. At its core, validation communicates one essential message: you matter.

Validation is foundational for connection . It’s a simple reflection that lets the other person know what we’re perceiving from them, whether we’re mirroring something they’ve said directly or gently naming what we’re noticing in their body language.

It shows that we’re listening to understand, not listening to respond. And when people feel understood, defensiveness softens and real conversation becomes possible

2. Affirm

You are deserving and have a right to your feelings.

Affirmation means allowing that what you feel or experience makes sense — even if you don’t like it.

Many of us grew up hearing “Don’t cry,” “You’re fine,” or “It’s not that bad.” Over time, we learned to distrust our own emotions.

Affirmation repairs that. It tells your body, your feelings are real and they matter.

“It makes sense that you feel this way.”
“Of course that hurt — anyone would feel the same.”

Affirmation brings coherence to the nervous system. Instead of fighting your emotions, you give them permission to exist — and that simple act begins to release what’s been held for years.

It’s important to remember that we can offer affirmation even when we don’t agree, wouldn’t feel the same way in their situation, or don’t fully understand their experience. Affirming someone’s emotions does not mean we approve of their perspective or condone any behaviors that may follow.

We’re simply acknowledging that they’re entitled to their feelings, thoughts, and beliefs—just as we are entitled to our own.

3. Nurture

Nurturing means offering gentle care, warmth, and presence—both to yourself and to others. Often, it’s simply giving what was missing in the absence of an empathetic witness.

Nurturing can take many forms, including:

Teaching life lessons (People can be unkind. Life is hard sometimes. Failure happens.)
Clarifying accountability and rightful responsibility (You were the child; they were the parent. It was never your job to take care of them.)
Providing comfort, reassurance, and love (hugs, holding someone while they cry, saying I’m here with you.)
Offering protection (You deserved better. This should not have happened to you.)

Many people get stuck when trying to nurture—especially themselves—because you cannot easily offer what you never received. This is when I return to the core birthrights in the HOCI model. I guide them to assess where they fall on each continuum and help identify the negative core beliefs (“lies”) that prevent balance.

Core Birthrights:

Value/Worth – Are they living in shame or in grandiosity?
Vulnerability (Protective Boundaries) – Are they boundary-less or walled off?
Human/Imperfect – Are they battling perfectionism or acting out?
Needs and Wants – Are they dependent, needless/wantless, or anti-dependent?
Spontaneous and Joyful (Moderation Boundaries) – Are they overcontrolled or out of control?

By exploring where they’re stuck, the Functional Adult gains the tools to “reparent,” offer what was missing, and help the nervous system finally clear and regulate.

Nurturing isn’t indulgent. It’s regulation. It’s how we teach the body what safety feels like.

4. Set Healthy Limits

If this hasn’t been addressed during the nurturing step, the next task is to identify what boundaries and containment are needed.

With others:
We clarify the protective boundaries that keep us safe in relationship. This often includes allowing two separate truths to exist—recognizing that someone else may hold a truth that does not have to override or diminish our own.
With ourselves:
We identify what healthy containment and moderation look like. This includes knowing what to hold in (the right to privacy, internal boundaries) and what to let out (advocacy, assertiveness, healthy expression).

Boundaries are love in structure . They aren’t walls; they’re the framework that makes connection safe.

If you learned to survive by pleasing others, saying “no” can feel threatening. But every time you set a limit, your nervous system learns: I am safe enough to protect myself.

Without limits, nurturing can turn into enabling, and affirmation can slip into people-pleasing.
With limits, compassion gains structure—and structure creates safety.

�� Using VANS in Everyday Life

The VANS skills aren’t just for therapy. They’re for life.

You can use them with:

Your kids — to model emotional safety.
Your partner — to deepen trust.
Your friends — to offer empathy instead of advice.
Your coworkers — to communicate clearly and kindly.

As you practice these skills with others, you’ll notice your relationships shift. Validation disarms conflict. Affirmation builds confidence. Nurturing fosters trust. Limits create respect.

And as you offer these skills outwardly, they start to take root within. Healing yourself becomes a ripple effect — shaping every relationship you touch.

�� How VANS Rewires the Nervous System

Every time you use a VANS skill, you send a new message to your body:

“I’m safe now.”
“I’m seen and cared for.”
“I can respond instead of react.”
“I am not dependent on others to be ok.”

That’s how we rewire trauma. Not by erasing the past, but by giving the body a new experience in the present.

You can’t change what happened — but you can change how your nervous system holds it.

Through VANS, you’re teaching your system that empathy, safety, and connection are possible now.

�� Bringing It All Together

To summarize:

Validate what’s real.
Affirm your reality.
Nurture what was missing and needed.
Set limits that protect your peace.

These are the practices of the Functional Adult — the self that leads with compassion and grounded strength.

Some days you’ll do all four; other days, just one. That’s okay. Healing isn’t about perfection — it’s about presence.

�� Closing: Healing Begins with Presence

If no one ever taught you how to validate, affirm, nurture, or set boundaries, you’re not alone. Most of us didn’t learn these skills — but we can learn now.

The VANS skills are simple and easy, yet profound and incredibly difficult. They’re the bridge between trauma and wholeness, between surviving and thriving.

Every time you practice them — with yourself, your loved ones, or your historical parts — you become the empathetic witness you always needed.

Healing doesn’t happen because the past changes — it happens because we do.

If you’re ready to explore these practices more deeply, I invite you to visit ChangeHeals.com/workshops and learn how we use the VANS framework in our immersive healing experiences.

With warmth and hope,

Stephanie Baker LPCC, DARTT

Authentic Journey Coach
Change Heals LLC

Core Birthright #5 - Spontaneous & Joyful

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 19:00:39 GMT

Rope Flow & the Nervous System

This year, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole exploring unconventional workout routines and quickly fell in love with the idea of exercise flow. Using kettlebells and ropes, moving in a continuous, rhythmic way was a different kind of gym experience for me—one that felt different in my body and completely roped me in (pun fully intended).

As I reflected on why I was so drawn to this style of movement, I realized it wasn’t just about strength or conditioning. These workouts were regulating my nervous system in a way I hadn’t experienced through sports or traditional exercise. They felt grounded, athletic, organized, and perhaps most importantly, FUN.

When I get excited about something, I love sharing what I’m learning (any true Enneagram 7 will understand). So this is my introduction to Rope Flow, based on my personal insights and experiences, along with a few videos to illustrate what I’m talking about. It’s a workout that’s harder than it looks, deeply beneficial for the body and the nervous system, and one I’ve found aligns closely with Core Issue 5 in the Healing Our Core Issues model: being spontaneous and joyful.

What Is Rope Flow? Rope Flow is a rhythmic movement practice using light or weighted ropes to create continuous, looping patterns around the body. While often framed as a coordination or fitness tool, Rope Flow has meaningful implications for nervous system regulation, brain integration, and embodied healing.

As I experienced more of this movement and began learning about the science behind it, my intrigue made even more sense. Through bilateral movement, rhythmic predictability, proprioceptive input, and breath engagement, Rope Flow activates many of the same mechanisms used in EMDR, somatic therapies, sensory integration, and Polyvagal-informed work.

Beyond regulation alone, it also supports reconnection to the Spontaneous & Joyful Core by restoring play, creativity, and freedom of movement, capacities that are often diminished by chronic stress or trauma.

If you’re curious what Rope Flow actually looks like, I’ve gathered a small collection of videos from my personal trainer and a few other practitioners I follow and enjoy. You’ll find a mix of playful, spontaneous movement and more structured flows—feel free to explore whatever feels most inviting or accessible to your body.

�� https://linktr.ee/ashleydunntn

Bilateral Movement, Rhythm, and Nervous System Regulation A core feature of Rope Flow is its continuous left-right, cross-body movement. As the rope alternates sides, the brain receives rhythmic bilateral sensory input similar to the bilateral stimulation used in EMDR and other trauma-processing approaches.

Research on bilateral stimulation suggests it can support:

• Increased communication between brain hemispheres

• Reduced amygdala activation

• Decreased emotional intensity

• Improved emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility

Rope Flow naturally engages these processes through alternating arm swings, midline crossing, and coordinated sequencing. Movements such as Underhand Matador, Overhand Switches, and Dragon Rolls (see videos above) may activate overlapping neural pathways involved in trauma processing’s dual-attention framework, without requiring verbal processing.

Rhythmic movement also plays a powerful role in vagal regulation. The nervous system is constantly assessing cues of safety and threat, and predictable rhythm is one of the clearest signals of safety the body can receive (think rocking a baby to sleep).

Rope Flow supports this regulation through:

• Rhythmic predictability , which reduces sympathetic arousal

• Natural breath entrainment , often slowing exhalation and improving heart-rate variability

• Gentle torso rotation and opening through the shoulders, chest, and hips , supporting parasympathetic activation

• Flow-state engagement , allowing calm focus without cognitive over-control.

As regulation stabilizes, many people report a shift from vigilance or shutdown into calm engagement, creating the physiological foundation for spontaneity and joy to re-emerge.

Embodiment, Proprioception, and the Spontaneous & Joyful Core Rope Flow provides continuous proprioceptive feedback through the rope’s weight, timing, and spatial patterning. This kind of sensory input supports grounding, body awareness, and interoception, all key components of nervous system stability and felt presence.

As a learnable skill, Rope Flow also engages motor planning networks and executive functioning systems tied to emotional regulation. Achievable challenge supports motivation, confidence, and a sense of mastery. When I say this practice has roped me in, part of the reason is the skill-building itself; I love working on something until it truly clicks.

As movements become smoother and more familiar, many people notice a shift toward playfulness and curiosity (you’ll see some of this playfulness in the Be Found Counseling videos linked above). Over time, movement transitions from being defensive or effortful to more expressive, creative, and, true to its name, more flow-like.

This shift from survival-based or reactive movement to embodied enjoyment is a meaningful pathway back to the Spontaneous & Joyful Core.

Within the Healing Our Core Issues model, trauma and attachment wounds often suppress spontaneity, play, and joy in favor of control, vigilance, or shutdown. Rope Flow gently counters this pattern. As regulation stabilizes, it invites play without evaluation, creativity without performance pressure, pleasure through movement rather than outcome, and a felt sense of freedom and aliveness.

In this way, Rope Flow becomes not only regulating, but restorative and supports reconnection to the authentic, spontaneous self.

Clinical & Everyday Applications Rope Flow can be used as: • A body-based regulation practice that supports rhythmic, bilateral movement • Support for coming back into the body during states of disconnection or overwhelm • A grounding option when the nervous system feels activated, anxious, or shut down • A structured yet playful movement practice that supports emotional and physical well-being • A co-regulating, connective experience in groups or intensives

Conclusion Rope Flow is more than a movement trend. Based on my experience and what I’ve learned so far, it is a neurologically informed, trauma-responsive practice that integrates bilateral movement, rhythmic safety cues, proprioceptive grounding, and flow-state regulation.

For me, Rope Flow has been a reminder that regulation can feel embodied and alive, and that play and joy are not extras, they’re part of the healing.

Movement Inspiration & Resources

• Flow Ropes: www.slushropes.com

• Instagram / YouTube accounts to explore: ◦ @thebraintrainer ◦ @anthonyvigilantefitness ◦ @slushropes ◦ @weckmethod

Self-esteem -Core Issue #1

Tue, 25 Nov 2025 18:05:58 GMT

Core Issue #1: Inaccurate Self-Worth

Understanding the First Wound

One of my favorite titles from Pia Mellody is her audiobook Permission to Be Precious. Those four words go straight to the heart of what every abused or neglected child has been denied: the truth of their preciousness.

In my book Gifts from a Challenging Childhood , I talk about our birthrights—the fundamental rights we’re born with, including the right to be valued. Every child enters this world inherently worthy. Their worth is not earned. It is not conditional. It does not depend on behavior, performance, obedience, or perfection. It is intrinsic.

Children are miraculous expressions of the Divine, carrying purpose, potential, and an irreplaceable presence in the world. That’s why the first core practice— loving the Self —is so important. We may not be able to make others love us, but we can learn to extend love inward. For those who grew up without nurturance, this is often one of the hardest skills to reclaim.

Why Children Can’t Love Themselves on Their Own

Infants and young children do not yet have the neurological capacity for self-reflection or self-appreciation. They cannot generate healthy self-esteem internally. They depend entirely on caregivers to model and cultivate it.

Functional parents do this by practicing VANS :

Validating the child’s experience
Affirming their worth
Nurturing their emotional life
Setting limits that provide structure and safety

When parents offer consistent VANS input, children grow into adults who feel grounded, confident, and worthy.

When parents don’t, children internalize a very different story.

When a Child Is Undervalued

If a child grows up without emotional attunement—perhaps ignored, criticized, dismissed, or emotionally overburdened—they begin to feel:

Inferior
Invisible
Undeserving
Powerless

They learn to seek worth from external sources: achievements, approval, perfection, relationships, caretaking, or performance.

This is the root of inaccurate, diminished self-worth .

When a Child Is Overvalued

The opposite extreme is just as damaging.

A child who is overvalued—placed on a pedestal, never corrected, or treated as superior—may develop:

A false sense of empowerment
Entitlement
A belief that others are beneath them
Difficulty with accountability
Grandiosity

Sometimes this comes not from direct praise, but from observing a parent’s contempt for others. Children absorb the message: We are the superior ones.

This leads to inaccurate, inflated self-worth .

Why Both Extremes Harm the Developing Self

Many parents unintentionally reinforce distorted messages:

“You disappoint me.”
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“You’re a burden.”
“You’re perfect.”

Both undervaluing and overvaluing disconnect a child from inherent worth —the birthright of knowing:

“I am enough exactly as I am.”

Every child has gifts. Every child has limitations. Neither determines value.

When a family system can’t hold a child in emotional truth, the child is left:

Ashamed and disempowered, or
Inflated and disconnected from reality

Both are distortions. Both set the stage for relational struggles in adulthood.

Where Functional Esteem Really Comes From

Healthy self-worth comes from caregivers who consistently nurture, validate, and guide their children—not from material things, praise alone, or permissiveness. When functional esteem isn’t cultivated, children grow up searching for worth in all the wrong places.

In Gifts from a Challenging Childhood, I share two stories that illustrate this:

One child was emotionally neglected but materially indulged—growing up feeling less than.
The other child was never corrected or guided—growing up feeling better than.

Both responses come from wounded environments. Both lead to inaccurate self-worth. And both can be healed.

The Six Core Birthrights

Tue, 25 Nov 2025 17:41:06 GMT

What are the six core birthrights?

What Every Child Deserves — and What Every Adult Must Reclaim to Heal

From the moment we enter this world, we are born with essential emotional and psychological rights. These birthrights form the foundation of healthy development, authentic connection, and a functional sense of self. When honored, they help us grow into grounded, confident, relational human beings.

When violated—through neglect, chaos, inconsistencies, or trauma—we lose access to parts of ourselves that were never meant to be taken. Healing is the process of reclaiming these birthrights so we can live from our Functional Adult Self.

Below are the six Core Birthrights , defined and expanded for deeper clarity and personal reflection

1. The Birthright to Be Valued

“I matter simply because I exist.”

Every child deserves to be seen, welcomed, and treated as inherently valuable. When caregivers delight in us, protect us, and show consistent interest in who we are, we internalize the truth that we are worthy and lovable.